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Teslas has a butthole Easter egg that is funny but erroneous



Illustration for article titled Tesla's Cute Butthole Easter Egg Has A Key Conceptual Flaw

Picture: Tesla / Health Jade / JDT

I know I often write about my problems with Teslas – of which I have many – but I actually think their cars’ basic design, driveline, battery technology and packaging are excellent, and I appreciate them commitment to foolish things. I’m too funny stupid thing in cars. And it looks like people have discovered a fun, silly thing in their Teslas. Even better, it involves buttholes. However, I have a conceptual problem with this butthole-related Easter egg. I explain.

Here’s what Easter eggs are: If you use voice commands in your Tesla, you can say “open butthole” to the car and the rear side-marker-lamp-mounted charging port will open.

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Picture: Tesla / Jason Torchinsky

This seems to have been discovered by Twitter user @tesla_master, who I guess is actually a Tesla champion, when he even thought of telling his car to open his butthole for him for some reason.

I wonder if the car’s safeword is “spark plug?” That’s what I want to use.

In any case, the butthole things seem to have been confirmed by other Tesla owners who have fun telling their cars to open buttholes:

It also seems that “bunghole” can work for these open / close commands, and there are a number of other mildly risqué commands you can give your Tesla if you feel saucy:

Okay, it’s all fun, and I’m very happy that both engineers and owners are enjoying a good laugh here, but I feel like there’s something very important, conceptually, to note here:

The charging port is does not equivalent to a butthole. It really corresponds to one mouth.

I mean, think about it – basically the anus is an exhaust port. In the case of most of the wildlife equipped with anus (as opposed to a cloaca, which is a kind of ordinary waste / reproduction port), it is used to push waste out, either gaseous or solid.

At the other end of the digestive tract is the mouth, which is used to nourish.

So what is the charging port used for on a Tesla? It’s nourishment! It supplies electricity to the car, which is actually the car’s equivalent of eating.

Although we look at the case where one Tesla’s charging port can be used to power something else, such as. to put electricity back into the grid, it is closer to a mother bird reviving food to feed its babies. It is not waste, it is nourishment, just redirected outward.

This is not the first time I consider the role of the anus in relation to cars; for ICE cars, I have previously claimed that exhaust pipes are the anus of internal combustion vehicles:

While the technologies are different, the concepts are the same: on an ICE car, the port where nutrients enter (fuel), the mouth (refueling), and the port where waste products are ejected are the anus (exhaust pipes).

At an EV, the port where food enters is the mouth (charging port), and for waste products it is a little harder because the waste is actually produced at the place where the electricity is initially generated – a coal or a nuclear power plant or whatever.

But the good thing about electric cars is that it is possible that there is no real borehole in the system at all if the electricity comes from sun or wind or tide or something like that.

On the car itself is probably the heat that is closest to a waste product, so for a Tesla I would say that the borehole really is the cooling system.

I know the charging port is in the back of the car, but I do not think I can support analogizing an EV’s charging port like an asshole.

Sorry. I know you’ve having fun and all, but anthropomorphization of cars is just too important to me, and as this nation’s leading self-proclaimed bilantropomorphization tsar, I will have to decide that EV charging ports, regardless of their location, are mouth, not anus.

I trust Tesla will update this in their next air update. If they still need a vaguely dirty thing to call it, maybe they can do it “open ass-mouth“Or”open electron hole“Or”says aaaah. ”

Hm. “says aaahh“Works better for visual opening of the trunk. Yet I stand by my point here: if it takes nourishment in, it is not a butthole.

I mean, I eat things and I may be a butthole, but that’s it various, damned.


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