DEAR CAROLYN: Our daughter, 25, has got a lot of weight and therefore looks like two pounds of baloney in a 1 pound bag in the clothes she wears. Any advice on how to handle this? Do our parents keep our mouth closed?
DEAR T.: Oh my goodness, (b). Mouths shut.
I say it in part because the chances are not very good, your words will come out well when your thoughts involve lunch food.
It is also partly because about two out of three American adults are overweight or overweight bit.ly/BigNos) and about zero on three do not know about themselves.
But the biggest part is talking is not your job.
It's all too easy to notice when someone needs it. It is harder to navigate what someone needs from us. Your daughter may need better habits – I just take your word for it here as the perception does not match – but it is only necessary for you if it appears in the answer to the following question: "What is my daughter doing? need from me? "
I repeat that she does not need from you what she already gets unfairly from her own mirror.
What she needs from you is more universal than we parents tend to realize when we are concerned about our children: being treated as inherently valuable. As they are. All children. Not for what they do, not for how they look, but for who they are.
This becomes complicated when a child deliberately harms others, says or flirts with life-threatening degrees of self-harm. But it is still on the parents to at least try to find ways to love and support a child in problems that do not condemn evil or ruthlessness.
I just dotke "I" with this disclaimer; Putting a few pounds and / or dressing them in small clothes is not even close to that threshold.
Your daughter needs you to see her as the daughter you love and to rely on waist, stairs and doctors to tell her if her habits need to be changed. It's not much of a leap; In my experience there is no shortage of messengers here.
Especially if weight gain is the cause or effect of a decrease in diminished self-esteem, your daughter will need stable love and acceptance from you – now more than ever.
Dear Carolyn: OK, so I went on a few dates with this woman over a year ago. Before we met a third time, she told me that she was comfortable with me, but was not in place for anything serious (first-year student). We haven't talked since, but I still see her once a month or so – we live in the same community – and still find myself attracted to her.
Was she turning me right in that moment or forever? Would there be any value in reaching out to let her know that I am still interested, or would she make the first move if her life or prospects changed?
YOU interested: I don I do not know what she had in mind when she settled down.
But if she hasn't talked to you once despite the monthly crossings of paths? I guess "forever." I'm sorry. At least I suggest leaving her unless she clearly goes in for you.
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