Is it possible to have a sexual awakening in your late twenties even if you have already come out as gay and have been horny on the head for years? Because I’ve never had it strong about fictional characters before. (Is that how it is to be 14, fresh, closet and photoshop a series of photos of Draco Malfoy railing Harry Potter?) I’m ready to risk it all, and by ‘risking it all’ I mean writing a 600- page fanfic manifesto about Riley and Abby – Rabby – Abley, the true soulmates of Hulu’s new lesbian Christmas movie, Happiest season.
But unfortunately, the film is about a long-time subordinate couple, Harpby. Happiest season begins when Harper (Mackenzie Davis) invites her live-in boyfriend Abby (Kristen Stewart), with whom she has been together for over a year, home for the holidays to meet her family. On the drive, Abby reveals that her family does not know she is gay or that they are together, and then he asks to retire to the closet and slam the door closed for five days. During the week, Harper turns into a toxic gay cretin who asks Abby to transform into a fake version of herself to please Harper̵
In Harper’s absence, Abby begins hanging out with the local hot gay Riley (Aubrey Plaza), who reveals that Harper did not share the whole story of their relationship: Yes, Harper and Riley secretly (according to Harper’s request) dated in high school, but then someone found out, Harper threw Riley to the wolves and said Riley was a lesbian who would not leave her alone, which ruined her life. Yes, just a supernormal thing that any normal good person would do – certainly not a designation for Harper’s mutinous and unworthy character (sorry! She is!)
if only Happiest season centered around Riley and her pheromones rather than Harper and her wig, the film would have been much less of a painful upcoming story and much more gratifying.
But this is not about H * rper. This is a love letter to Riley that Abby should have ended up with as everyone who saw this rom-com knows. Aubrey Plaza’s charisma as the power-bitch lesbian doctor with a sardonic bite of humor is so powerful that even though she does nothing objectively sexual, I have never been more bent on the character’s sexual energy in my little gay life. And I’m not alone – lesbian Twitter is great. The whole timeline is horny for Riley. Plus, Riley actually had chemistry with Abby, and things in common! They both attended prestigious universities, they are both out and about feeling good about themselves, and they both wear breathtaking outfits. Their chemistry reaches fever when Riley takes Abby to a gay bar for a drink. They see a drag performance, and Riley helps Abby sing as the queens put her on the spot and annoy her. My heart basically beat through my chest like an iron fist and screamed, “KISS SOFTLY !!!” But then Harper sends lyrics to Abby, and Abby meets her and her high school friends (and ex-boyfriend) at a straight bar – you know, the places where a man you want to set on fire forces you to to take a shot for no other reason than to oppress you – and I crawled. The choice seemed clear to me: A life of drag queens, safe spaces and sharing stalls with Aubrey Plaza or a lifetime of straight bars, spooky white families and code changes with Mackenzie Davis – which is usually very hot but was finished dirty with a poorly fitted wig (sorry !! She was !!!).
All in all, I liked the movie a lot. I love a queering of a heteroform. But in this case, I do not think that form in question was really queered. Them called it a “trite coming out story.” BuzzFeed said it was a “quest for assimilation into equal families.” if only Happiest season centered around Riley and her pheromones rather than Harper and her wig, the film would have been much less of a painful upcoming story and much more gratifying. I think we need a sequel with Aubrey Plaza in all her sexual lesbian power when she goes home to Hanukkah and just treats a girl so f * cking right, dude. Seriously, I wanted to watch an extremely eventful 14-hour livestream of Riley and her boyfriend just eating snacks and talking. It would be so much sexier and more satisfying than Abby and Harper became one – sorry, I just gag. Abby and Harper become one – haaaaugh – Abby and Harper get engaged.
In an interview, Plaza said of her role, “I hope people walk away from the film and they are disappointed that Kristen Stewart does not end up with my character and they like riots in the streets about it.” All I’m saying is this: We, the Alliance of Skewed Women Against Toxic Lesbians, must do the absolute minimum to honor Riley and literally riot in the streets. Riley Hive: We drive at dawn. Take all the feelings of injustice you have had in your stomach since streaming Happiest season and show Mrs. Plaza how much you care … by donating to a GoFundMe and funding my 600-page fan fishing manifesto. Finally, I found my tray to die on, and that’s Aubrey Plaza in a booth at a gay bar.