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Ask Amy: How much time is too much time to spend with boyfriend's family?



Dear Amy: I am in my 30s, and have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He lives in a different state, he lives with his folks at home.

This would not be a problem, except that we seem to spend an amount of time with his family, usually at least one weekend afternoon weekend. , addition to dinners during the week

Family birthdays and anniversaries tend to be all-day affairs, and with siblings living close to the feels like I spend all of my time with his family. This feels excessive, and I feel more like a kid than a grown woman.

My boyfriend does not seem to see this way. He is always asking if I have to do anything with his parents.

I have been counting him how I feel like we are developing our own relationship outside of his family, but I don't know if he hears me, or if I'm asking too much

I know he gets a lot of pressure from his parents to spend time with them, but I want him to set some boundaries.

̵

1; Stuck

Dear Stuck : I'm going to assume that your boyfriend is (also) in his 30s. I'm also going to assume that he has always lived at home. He is acting like a man whose world has always revolved around his family. YOU are the interloper, you are the extra, and you will be expected to fold into the strong social and family system that already exists.

How do I know this? Because you think it is.

When it comes to boundaries, I agree that boundaries need to be drawn. But YOU should draw the boundary, and it should be for you – not him.

If weekend afternoons with family wear you out, you should go to a yoga class – or a matinee with a friend, instead. He might decide that he misses hanging with you, and so he might choose to do something with you. (He might not, mind you, but because you'll already have a plan for yourself, it won't matter.)

Also, take separate transportation (if possible) to day-long celebrations, so that your desire to leave it not impede his desire to stay.

I assume that you enjoy his family, and I will assure you that you will enjoy them more if you are making your choice according to your own desires and priorities. face reality: This is the way it is. This is the way HE is.

Dear Amy: I recently started working longer hours than normal, and it gets exhausted. My friends are really important to me. We used to hang out every day after work, but now I'm too tired after work with my friends.

They have changed my hours, but they continue to call, text, and even come by my house at night.

When they do this, I often tell them I have more work to do (even though I don't),

– Lazy Liar

Dear Lazy Liar: Because you've mentioned "The Office," I'll use you to show you.

You, my friend, are such a "Pam."

But even meek, passive, and ever-cooperative Pam finally found her voice (in Season Three).

Lying and laziness are never justified. I'm surprised you would spend the effort to continue to your friends.

Speak your truth: "Guys, my new work schedule is exhausting. I can only go out once a week. Let's find the best night, and we'll enjoy a quality hang. "

Dear Amy:" Disturbed by Do Not Disturb "was offended by a hotel" do not disturb "notice featuring a necktie on the door. She thought this was a sexist symbol leftover from college frat culture – and you agreed with her!

Where can we enjoy a little "wink-wink" and white in this world?

– Upset

Dear Upset: If this is your idea of ​​nothing, then we have nothing to discuss.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville , NY 13068. You can also follow here on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)


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